Construction Zone

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  I received my final chemotherapy infusion (Hooray!!!), I had a breast MRI to check on the size of my tumor, and I met with my surgeons to talk about our game plan.
First, the chemo session seemed to take for...ev...er.  Every drip drip drip from the chemo bag seemed to be spaced five minutes apart. For my final two chemo sessions I had graduated to the private chemo room, which made me feel quite VIP, but I was so antsy this last time that it hardly mattered.  This particular type of chemo is served up with a side of Benadryl, which puts most people to sleep.  Oh how I wish I was one of those people.  It turns out that Benadryl makes my heart race, which only amplifies the antsiness (sure, it's a word) and makes the hours of chemo seem to crawl by at a tortoise pace.  But no more! I am DONE with chemo, and not a minute too soon.  They say the effects of chemotherapy are cumulative, and boy did I feel it this time.  The pain in my legs was almost unbearable at times, and there were shooting pains in the rest of my body that would strike randomly.  Thank goodness for my attentive and sympathetic husband who would give me hugs, massages or draw me a hot bath when I needed him to.  And he listened to me whine.  A LOT.  Not just this time, but throughout the past 4 months of chemo he has been the best caregiver a gal could ask for.  I would have never made it through this without him, and the great part is that I get to keep him even though I'm done with this nasty part of treatment! Incidentally, today marks the 5th Anniversary of our first date.  In some ways it seems like only yesterday, and in some ways it seems like we've been together forever!

Disclaimer:  This next part talks about boobs and surgery.  Shocking, I know.
A week after my last chemo session I had a breast MRI.  I thought this would be as simple as laying back and dozing off while they run me through a machine for half an hour, much like the PET scan I had when I was first diagnosed.  Oh how naive of me.  If you haven't had one, allow me to describe an MRI for you.  Car horns blaring at you, stopping, starting, stopping, starting over and over again.  Every time the blaring would start, I would jump, and of course you are expected to be completely still the whole time.  Why are these machines so God awful loud?  Seriously, I'm asking.  If anyone knows the answer, please pass it along.  To make matters worse, I had to lay on my stomach and put my boobs into square holes while having cold fluid pumped into my veins.  I was laying there thinking "take me back to the PET scan!"  The one saving grace was the lab tech who was prepping me for the test.  She was spunky and hilarious:  "As you can see, this machine was designed by a man, one who thinks women have square breasts.  They told me how much they spent on this shiny new machine, and I told them to send it back."  So funny.  Thank God for her.
The good news is that the MRI shows the tumor has responded to chemo and is smaller than it was before we started treatment.  The bad news is that it is still big enough that I need to have radiation after it is removed.
This leads us to my meeting with my surgical oncologist and my plastic surgeon.  As I mentioned in my last post, I am having a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction.  Even though there is cancer in only one boob (I like saying "boob" instead of "breast."  "Breast" just sounds so clinical, doesn't it?), we're going to remove both because it lowers my risk of cancer coming back in the other one (from 20% to 4%).  The plastic surgeon will be able to reconstruct my right boob (no cancer) immediately following the mastectomy.  He literally walks in with his team as soon as the surgical oncologist leaves with her team (and my boobs).  Unfortunately, I have to wait a long while before I can get the side with cancer reconstructed.  This is because radiation does some nasty things to skin and tissue.  But radiation is also supposed to get rid of any remaining cancer cells, which is the whole point of treatment after all. 
So this spring/summer I am going to feel a bit like a construction zone.  A lop-sided construction zone.  The surgeons are able to do a skin-sparing technique where they are able to save a good deal of my own skin.  This, along with the back tissue used (latissimus dorsi flap procedure) will help make my new boobs feel more like my own.  An interesting thing to note is how reconstruction is different from your everyday boob job.  In a normal breast enhancement, an implant is place under the woman's breast muscle.  With reconstruction, there is no breast muscle to work with.  This is why I've opted for the "lat flap" procedure.  This way there will be at least some tissue of my own in there.  In addition to tissue from my back, the plastic surgeon will put a "spacer" in my chest before sewing me up.  This is basically a deflated implant that will be filled with saline as I heal.  Once a week I will head to the hospital where the plastic surgeon will pump a little bit of fluid into my spacer until one day I look down and say "Yes!  That's it!  That's my perfect dream boob!"  Then he will take out the spacer and replace it with a real implant.  I'll eventually do the same thing on the other side. 
Radiation lasts for 6 weeks and then I have to wait 6 months before the radiated side can be reconstructed.  This means I'll probably be sporting one of those space-age prosthetic boobs that I referenced in my post on Oct. 17 in an attempt to even myself out.  Because it's already getting warm here in the South (apologies to friends in the Midwest and Northeast), and because chemo has put me in early menopause which causes awful hot flashes, I can imagine that there will be a good deal of time when I am quite simply lop-sided.  I can see it now:  Aaron and I are snuggled on the couch, watching a movie when all of the sudden a hot flash comes.  Normally, this happens and I push him away and rip off my wig and fling it on the coffee table, causing the husband and the cat to give me strange looks.  Soon it will be the same thing, except it will be my prosthetic boob that I fling on the coffee table.  Hopefully this won't happen in public.  It is for this reason that I think I need a t-shirt that reads: "Construction Zone"

Extreme Makeover: Joyce Edition

Incredibly, I have my very last chemo treatment scheduled for tomorrow.  I cannot believe it's here.  You know what they say:  "Time flies when you have cancer"...or something like that.
I've been thinking a lot about makeovers lately.  Maybe it's due to awards season, and the fact that I can't help but watch all of the Hollywood starlets as they arrive on the red carpet.  I love it when movie stars look nothing like the characters in their films.  Yes, these really are pictures of the same woman (the fantastic Melissa Leo from "The Fighter"):

In character as Alice Ward

On the red carpet at the Golden Globes

At least Ollie loves the bed

Or maybe my love of makeovers is due to my addiction to HGTV, and my desire to have one of those celebrity designers come and decorate my bedroom.  I even made an audition video to be on an HGTV show.  I figured I might as well pull the cancer card, considering these shows like to dramatize everything.  I can see it now:  "Joyce was suffering from breast cancer.  Things weren't looking too good until we came to give her a relaxing oasis for a bedroom where she could heal.  Now, remarkably, the cancer is gone."  Seriously though, you can go online to view my video (which is completely embarrassing) and vote for us:  http://my.hgtv.com/hgtvd/Bedroom/Bland-Master-Bedroom/detail.esi?oid=23415134  We're asking for "one star" votes, because the "uber ugly" rooms are the most likely to get made over, right?

Or maybe this makeover mentality is due to my own current appearance.  As I mentioned in my last post, my eyelashes have fallen out.  At this point, my eyebrows are pretty much gone, too.  Now when I wake up and look in the mirror, my face (and head) is completely void of any defining features.  My first thought is always "Good Lord!  When did that cancer patient sneak in here?!?"  My friends who have known me since high school can attest to the fact that it has always taken me a very long time to get ready.  Now my makeup process is even more extensive:  dealing with dry, chapped skin (from the chemo) that is even more acne-prone than it used to be (from the steroids), gluing on eyelashes, penciling in eyebrows...it all adds up to quite a bit of time.  At least my hair is easier than before.  I literally just throw it on.

Fake hair, eyebrows, & lashes!

The good news is that hair starts to regrow as soon as chemo leaves the body.  The bad news is that it might be 6 months before I have enough hair on my head to where I don't feel bald.    The exciting part is that there is no telling what my new hair color and texture will be.  If often grows back very differently after one has undergone chemo, and it usually comes in very curly, at least at first.  Might I have gorgeous locks like Taylor Swift?  In my dreams! 

Additionally, I have scheduled my surgery for March 23.  This is definitely the most "extreme" portion of the makeover.  I will have a bilateral (both sides) mastectomy with reconstruction.  I have another meeting with my surgeons (oncology and plastics) next week, but based on my initial consultation and my own consideration, I will be having a "Lat Flap" procedure (Latissimus Dorsi Tissue Flap Breast Reconstruction).  Rather than posting diagrams, I'll just let you Google that one on your own.  It sounds like a crazy surgery, but I've talked with women who are really happy with it.  And again, I'm at Emory, where breast reconstruction was pioneered.  I'm truly in the best facility for it. 
While I'm looking at a major surgery and major recovery time, I will luckily have my in-laws here during and after the surgery.  Dad-in-law is an ear, nose & throat surgeon -- not a breast cancer specialist, but someone who knows a little something about the human body, surgery and recovery, so he's good people to have around.  Mom-in-law is an accomplished cook, book provider and mother who can lovingly tend to my needs as well as those of my husband, who might be freaking out and feeling a bit helpless during this process.
So this is my makeover story.  I'll post more details about surgery as they become available, along with a disclaimer about the contents of the post.  Some people are curious, but others get a bit squeamish when it comes to gory details.  I am normally in the latter group, so I totally get it.

Winter Comes to Hotlanta

Somehow another two weeks has passed.  Highlights/lowlights of the past 14 days include:  Another chemo treatment; My beloved Colts losing to the Jets in the playoffs; Mom-in-law visiting from Minnesota; Four inches of snow that shut down Atlanta for nearly a week; An unexpected visit from a dear friend;  Attaching false eyelashes where my own used to be; Relearning to knit at a knitting workshop; My nemeses, the New England Patriots, being eliminated from the NFL playoffs (after my team is eliminated, I have to root for something, you know?).

Chemo continues to go as well as can be expected.  After tomorrow morning's treatment I will only have one infusion left.  This is mind-boggling to me, as it feels like chemo has just become a way of life.  After February 1 I will be completely done with this part of my treatment and looking (forward?) to surgery.  That part still scares the bejesus out of me, so I'm trying not to think about it just yet.

Aaron's mom, Becky, was here for 5 days.  We picked her up from the airport Sunday afternoon, went to the grocery store where we proceeded to buy half the store, and went home before the snow started.  We woke up to this sight on Monday morning:

Back Deck

Back Deck/Woods

Back Deck/Woods

Front Porch/Street

This may be only four inches of snow, but to the folks in Atlanta, it's a week off from school.  You read that correctly.  A WEEK!  Granted, there was a layer of ice over the snow, but there was some good melting/road treatment going on prior to Friday.  I hope the kids in Minnesota don't hear about this.  Because mom-in-law was here and because we were well-stocked, we had a great time being stuck indoors, cooking, baking and hanging out by the fire.

On Friday I dropped Aaron and his mom off at the airport (Aaron went to Minneapolis for the weekend) and met my dear friend, Ashley, along with much of her family at the Varsity drive-in.  She was in town due to unfortunate circumstances, as both of her mother's parents passed away within a week of each other, but we were able to share some hugs and catch up a bit over a quick lunch. 

Ashley and her adorable daughter, Josephine

Josephine sporting the official headgear of the Varsity

Apparently she is not a fan of hats

Finally, the inevitable has happened.  My eyelashes have left me.  This is the day I've been dreading ever since I started to lose the hair on my head.  I've never had particularly full or thick lashes, and they've always been very blonde, but clumping on tons of mascara has always made me feel quite feminine.  Just like Julia Roberts in "Charlie Wilson's War" I would put on as much black gunk as my tiny lashes could hold and then do my best to separate the clumps into spidery threads.  What's a girl to do without her magic tube of mascara to make her eyes stand out?  Well, she goes to the nearest Target and buys fake lashes.  I'll get to Sephora one of these days to get some fancy lashes, but for now I'm getting lots of practice (and it takes a LOT of practice) with the cheap ones.  I'll post pictures once I really get the hang of it!  My eyebrows are also starting to thin out, but there are some stubborn hairs that are holding on for dear life.  It's good to know that even some of my hair follicles have a bit of fight left in them.

2011? Really?

So much has happened since I last blogged.  It is now 2011 (seriously? how did that happen?), I am now 30 years old (for real?), the holidays have come and gone, and the TCU (my alma mater) Horned Frogs are Rose Bowl champs (the game provided the perfect excuse to sport my purple wig)! 

Aaron and I had a great time visiting with my family in Dalhart, TX.  I'm not sure Aaron would describe it as "relaxing," considering he is a favorite uncle to jump on, play video games with, and read stories with. 

We hadn't been to Dalhart since last Christmas, so it was good to catch up with the family. We heard on the news that Atlanta had a white Christmas for the first time since the 1880, but we were okay with missing it.  If we get too desperate for snow, we can just hop on a flight to visit family in Minnesota.

We are home in Atlanta again, and aside from a minor cold all is going well.  Aaron is working on lectures for the two classes he'll be teaching this semester, and I go in tomorrow morning for my second Taxol chemo treatment.  I mentioned in my previous post that Taxol is "chemo-light", but maybe I should just call it "chemo-different."  While it is very nice to have little-to-no nausea, the bone pain that comes along with this type of chemo is quite uncomfortable.  I noticed it especially in my legs, where it felt like I had terrible shin splints, something I didn't think I'd have to worry about, as I'm not running while on chemo.  Still, I would pick bone pain over nausea if I had to choose. 

After this treatment I'll only have two more chemo sessions to go!  It's hard to believe, but tomorrow will be my four month "cancerversary."  Four months have gone by, and I'm still receiving cards and care packages from my wonderful support group.  Thank you all so very much!  One member of my support group, my mom-in-law, is flying in on Sunday and will be here through Friday the 14th.  We can't wait to see her and reap the benefits of her cooking prowess! 

Halfway There

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last wrote anything, and I truly cannot believe it's already December.  Saturday, December 4 marked my two month "cancerversary."  In addition to marking another month gone by, there is also some good news that comes with this timeline.  If you'll recall from my treatment plan, I was to receive four treatments of AC (the awful "red devil" chemo) every two weeks.  Happily, I received the last of these treatments last Tuesday (November 30).  Up next is the lesser of the chemos, Taxol or "chemo light," as I like to call it.  I will again receive 4 treatments every two weeks with this chemo.  Side effects associated with this version are not supposed to be nearly as intense as those that come with the AC chemo.  This means less nausea and fatigue, hopefully!  Also, it is not as hard on the immune system.  Because of this my oncologist has given me the green light to travel home to see my family in Texas.  I haven't been home since last Christmas, and I cannot wait to see everyone (especially the nieces and nephews!). 
I am definitely in Christmas mode now.  For me, the season officially kicks off when I drag Aaron to the nearest tree farm to cut our own tree.  Having grown up pulling the same dusty box out of the attic that contained our artificial tree year after year, getting a fresh, real tree that smells amazing is a new tradition (I've been doing this for 5 years now) that I started for myself and I really love.  This is also our first Christmas in our new house, which happens to have a beautiful wood-burning fireplace.  On Monday we had a chimney sweep (yes, they're still called "chimney sweeps," but they don't have British accents, at least not in Atlanta) come by and make sure our fireplace was in good working order.  Now our stockings really are hung by the fire with care.  Ollie, our cat, even has one that says "Santa, I've Been Almost Purr...Fect!" 
AND it's cold!  I know our friends/family in Minnesota and Boston will laugh at this description, but today it didn't make it out of the 30s.  For "Hotlanta" that is pretty chilly indeed. Now it feels like Christmas.  Happy Holidays to everyone!

Thanksgiving

Things for which I'm thankful (in no particular order):

-Life.  Chemo sucks and I may be bald, but sometimes it takes cancer to teach a person that every single day is, in fact, a gift.  Living is really quite preferable to the alternative.

-Prayers, warm fuzzy thoughts, and good vibes.  All of these things are helping me heal, and they're sent by all of you.  Thank you.

-You.  Friends, family and kind strangers.  A person doesn't realize how amazing people are until something bad happens.  I seem to know some of the best people around.  Thank you.

-My husband.  This guy falls into the above category, but he's sort of special.  Not only is he the hardest working poli sci nerd around, when I tell him to put the laptop away and give me attention, he does it (and I'm awfully needy these days).

-My cat.  This little guy hangs out with me all day, every day.  He is the object of forced snuggles and patronizing baby talk, yet he keeps the complaints to a minimum.  That's what I call good company.

-Modern medicine.  The fact that I can put poison into my body to kill off cancer cells and only suffer minimal side effects is completely crazy to me.  Kudos to you, docs and researchers.  I don't get it at all, but I am grateful.

-Wigs.  Because being bald sometimes gets old.

-Insurance.  Because cancer is really, really expensive. 

-Test Results.  The results of my BRCA 1 & BRCA 2 genetic tests came back negative, which means there was no genetic mutation found.  This is good news not only for me, but also for those who share genes with me.

That is really just the tip of the iceberg.  I have so very much to be thankful for right now.  I hope you all are able to spend the holiday with people you love.

Visions of Grace Kelly

As I watch what's left of my hair thin out with each passing day, I can't help but feel a bit like a boy.  I've always been a girlie-girl.  I love ruffles, frills, lace, the color pink, polka dots, you name it.  If it's stereotypically associated with the female sex, I probably can't get enough of it.  Mind you, you will usually find me in my Peyton Manning jersey on any given Sunday during fall, but that's a whole other blog post.  Lately, however, my appearance has drifted into masculine territory.  I have no job to go to, and on post-chemo days I tend to spend the majority of my time laying in bed, so I tend to wear a lot of sweats/pajamas/yoga pants/lounge wear or whatever you want to call it.  This may come as a shock to my college friends, who knew me when I really didn't leave the house without sporting at least 3" heels, a miniskirt and full makeup.  But it turns out when you're undergoing cancer treatment, physical comfort really is the most important thing.  Gone are the days of suffering for fashion.  Now you'll find me curled up in a sweatshirt, stretchy pants and thick woolly socks.  Did I mention I'm also missing the long, flowing locks I once spent hours bleaching blonde and attacking with a straightening iron? 

The wig fitting I was supposed to have on Monday had to be rescheduled due the wig-fitter's (I'm sure she has a better title, but I'm not sure what to call her) health.  She had a cold and did not want to get me sick.  Incidentally, I caught a cold anyway this week.  Not to worry, though.  I never got a fever and my oncologist put me on a Zpac to make sure I'll be healthy enough for chemo on Tuesday.  So now I must wait until Monday, November 15 to find my new hair do. 

Also, my head is very tender right now, so I can't wear anything too tight.  This means I'm spending a lot of time wearing scarves.  I try to imagine myself as a Hollywood movie startlet (pre-Lindsey Lohan).  Someone Old Hollywood.  Someone like Grace Kelly, an icon who possessed effortless style and was synonymous with femininity. 

Sure, scarves are not worn all that much anymore, at least not on the head, at least not in mainstream American society.  There are some current examples from the Spring/Summer 2011 runways, however.

 

Salvatore Ferragamo

Loewe

And I am lucky enough to be the recipient of many fabulous scarves, including an Hermes scarf that used belong to Aaron's sweet grandmother, Muriel.  I can't help but feel just a bit glamorous when I wear such a fantastic scarf, especially when worn with big sunglasses.  Feminine, no?   

My mom-in-law just informed me of a NY Times Article about the return of the turban. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/11/fashion/11NOTICED.html
I may have to give it a go, too!

Before I go, here is an exchange between Aaron and me yesterday morning when I was dropping him off at the train station:

Me:  "Wow, the trees are looking so pretty!"
Aaron:  "They are.  That one's getting a little thin up top, though."
Aaron (looking at the top of my head):  "Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that!"

This made me laugh out loud.  Can't help but love him, can you? :)